I’m tired of pretending to be happy, I’m a mess, I’m miserable I am so far from being happy. I miss you so damn much I try over and over again to let you go so many different times I’ve said I was done, I’m not. You were always it for me, you still are. No one has any idea how bad this truly hurts. I’m hoping, I’m waiting, I’m praying you are the one. So everything we’ve been through could actually be worth the fight. Everyone can say what they want, that you’re terrible, good for nothing, etc. But it only makes me hold on to you even more. I can’t stand anyone talking bad about you because they aren’t the one who deal with you, it’s me. So everyone needs to mind their own business. I wish you’d understand. I wish you’d just forgive me and find it in your heart to wait. It’s just a little over a year. That’s all.. I don’t understand why all this has to happen to me, I don’t understand how absolutely unhappy I am. I know happiness is a choice and you are only as happy as you chose to be but really?! Who would be happy in my position?! No one! I know I have to thank God in every situation, I want to, and my heart wants to so much but I can’t. I hate that this is happening to me, I hate being so miserable, I hate having to struggle every day, I hate never being okay. I hate everything about the place that I am in! I feel this is just making me bitter. Why did they have to go and open their mouths?! Why?! I know they meant well but they have no idea what I have to go through now. They just dumped me into this mess and now I have to put up with it. They get to go out and have fun with friends and stuff. I can’t do that, I’m stuck, I don’t even have friends anymore. I have my best friend who’s been the very best since I was 11 and is absolutely amazing but she’s across the country!! I’m not even aloud to talk to her or anyone else. Why didn’t they just understand that when I said not to say anything it was for a damn reason? I knew this would happen, they didn’t. They don’t have to deal with this pain, I do.
I am not happy.
